However I met a man in Virginia over thanksgiving break.
He makes me feel electric. I told him I was getting McDonald’s and he drove 50 minutes at 10 pm just to eat with me.
I met him by chance, he’s in the navy and originally from Ohio. But he’s stationed in the area I live in.
He’s wonderful. I fell asleep on him one of those nights and I woke up and he was kissing my forehead and talking to me. He said “you’re my girl, even if you’re going to be 12 hours away, I’m still going to take care of you”
I’ve never felt so genuinely happy…

Don’t easily trust a 24 year old man when you’re 18
At first he called me beautiful like it was my name. He had dark hair and green eyes and was genuinely the most attractive man I’ve ever seen (including men in magazines). He was a drummer in this band, a crazy talented musician.
But he took me to these fancy restaurants where the bill cost more than the amount I had in my checking account. But I stopped paying attention somewhere in between the endless compliments, the expensive dates, and the time spent in his passenger seat listening to his stories.
I wasn’t paying attention. I didn’t notice when the compliments stopped and instead turned into warnings. I didn’t think much of it when he slowly didn’t take me out in town anymore, and instead only saw me at night in my dorm. I should’ve payed attention to how he rummaged through my belongings without asking, taking what was mine and making it his.

I didn’t understand the cost for being “his girl”.

As soon as I told him he had my heart he used it to his advantage.

Because if I wanted to stay “his girl” it came with a few agreements.
He told me what I could do and what I couldn’t do.
He told me I wasn’t allowed to see my friends past a certain hour. And if I really wanted to please him, I wouldn’t see them at all.
He reminded me I wasn’t allowed to speak to other men for any reason, and then made me delete apps where I would be able to talk to them.
He told me that I wasn’t allowed to talk back to him. That I couldn’t show any hint of sarcasm. And that I absolutely could not argue with him. Under any circumstances.
He told me I wasn’t allowed to leave. I couldn’t leave the city of Lexington. I was advised not to leave campus. And I was warned not to leave him.
The list of rules that he reminded me of constantly.
The unexpected visits to make sure I was where I should be, which was In my dorm.

Even when I woke up one morning to find out that he trapped me in a series of lies. All of it was irrelevant to him because he could do as he pleased.
But I had to do as he said.
He had a collection of girls. Even when I was confronted by one and she had evidence that couldn’t be debated against.
It didn’t matter. If I responded to her, it would be ‘breaking his trust’ and would be unforgivable.

Responding to her meant punishment. I couldn’t speak of the situation involving him and other girls. If I did so, I would be disobeying how he told me I wasn’t allowed to negate our conversations, which would in return ruin his day. The only time he spoke of it was when he came to my dorm that night, grabbed my head, looked me in the eyes, and said, “You aren’t mad at me, you forgive me.”
Emphasize the word “said” instead of “asked”. How softly he said it while his hands were wrapped around my face and neck showed that it was a warning.
I would then have to demonstrate my apology and reassure my loyalty to him.
But he would take it too far. Choking me far longer than he should. Slapping me much harder and more often. Then laughing about the marks he left on me, which would remain for two weeks afterwards.

This was all until one day in early November. He casually told me he was done, and that was that. No arguing.
But he did come over the following night to “explain” his reason. However, I never found out that 'reason’. He immediately locked the door behind him and began to kiss me despite the tears constantly rolling down my face.
Afterwards, he left. We never saw each other after that night.

It turns out that he is getting married to a girl he’s been seeing for years.
And even though he said he was done with me, I still wasn’t allowed to post anything online that he wouldn’t approve of.
A week afterwards, I got in trouble because he heard a mans voice in a video that I posted on snapchat. I had to take it down.
He would still message me when it was late at night, but only pictures.
Other than those encounters, he wouldn’t speak to me.

It was then when I realized how stupid I was for trusting a 24 year old, stunningly handsome man that used wealth and lies to make me his property.

I haven’t seen him in two and a half weeks, but there’s still faint bruises on my neck and wrists.

There’s permanent marks in my dorm from when he slammed my face against the wall. It’s the first thing I see when I walk inside. It’s a constant reminder of my stupidity.

I love you.
I think about you everyday.
If you made it, you would’ve been almost 9 months old now.
I told your father today… And it made me realize I should have been more responsible and done more to protect you when I was pregnant. I should’ve told him sooner… I know for a fact that if I had told him, you would have made it, you would’ve been here right now… I would be holding you in my arms and kissing your sweet little face…

I’m sorry I didn’t tell your father sooner. I loved him so much and I didn’t want him to hate me. I was 16 and stupid. He had a girlfriend and I didn’t want to mess up his happiness… But i should’ve made you my priority and told him. He said he would’ve been there. He said he would have loved you. And if he knew, I would’ve been careful, I wouldn’t have cheered, I wouldn’t have gotten hurt, and I wouldn’t have lost you.

And I love you, I still do.
You’re still my child even if you didn’t make it, I saw your tiny face on the screen and I spent so many hours singing to you
I love you so much
I am so sorry I didn’t be more careful

I just hope your tiny soul in heaven knows that your momma loves you